Doug PollardPanic attack!
May 3rd 2009 03:13
To be a proper journalist you have to go about creating panic or you’re not doing the job properly. The problem is, you’re all panicking about so many things already, it’s getting hard to find a niche. But I'll do my best.
The world financial system is melting down, we’re all going to be thrown out of work to starve in the streets, and our houses will soon be worth nothing.
No? OK, I think we’re all bored with that one, at least until we see the Federal Budget.
OK, er . . . . let’s try this. The climate’s shot to pieces, every summer everything will burn to ash, except for the bits that under water ‘cos the ice-caps are melting and the Barrier Reef is rotting away.
Also old hat? OK, how about if I throw in this?
The only tourists are going to be rich fat gun-crazed Yanks in safari suits shooting crocodiles with sub-machine guns.
Better? Hmmm . . . . I think I’m getting the hang of this!
So, you like the nasty foreigner thing . . . .
So, how about a couple of hundred Afghans and Sri Lankans in leaky boats, determined to get out of their wrecked countries and go somewhere relatively peaceful, uncorrupt and orderly (unless they end up in Sydney, but that’s another story), where they can make a living and look after their families. Using all their guile, ingenuity and resources to get round all the road blocks put in their way, like the little matter of there being nowhere in Afghanistan they can actually apply for Aussie visas.
Pretty good, huh?
Shock horror, tough, hard-working, determined, ingenious law and order loving people coming to Oz to start businesses. We’ll all be ruined!! Send out the gunboats! Reopen the concentration camps!
Yes, that’s got you all going nicely. Hey, you know, this could get to be fun! What? You want more?
I know! Pig plague!! Perfect!! It’s got everything: nasty dirty foreigners flying in with nasty foreign disease caught from nasty dirty foreigners - who live with pigs!!
Could it get any better? Wow, best panic ever!
What do you mean, everyone else is doing it already? Rats, just when I thought I was on to something. Oh well – back to the drawing board.
I know. Let’s legalise gay marriage!!
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