Doug PollardIan Thorpe is not gay, really
January 30th 2009 04:46
Clumsy PR fuels continued speculation
Although he’s been out of the limelight for a while the world continues to be fascinated by Ian Thorpe’s sexuality – or so the tabloids tell us. Online feedback says different – “who cares” pretty well sums it up.
It will do Thorpe no good to get snippy about the attention – if you will occasionally fool around in campy fashions, share a house for three years with another bloke, take him home to meet the family and jet off on holiday with him, frolic in the surf - well, in these equal opportunity times, that’s almost as good as setting up a bridal registry at Rebel Sport and negotiating exclusive picture rights with Hello magazine. Especially when the other guy is such a cutie, and you’re making an early start on middle-aged spread.
I mean, at your age and condition, that’s the sort of thing most Aussie sporting identities do with a woman. Either that or cultivate a reputation as a serial shiela shagger, whether real or fake. There’s lots of publicity hungry ‘models’ out there who are be happy to be seen with a sportsman for a modest fee and a modelling contract. Some even get nice big rocks for their fingers into the bargain.
As your PR person, I suggest you rake up a few of these ‘ex-girlfriends’ and get them to sell their stories to the tabloids – unless they’re about you and Daniel at a spit-roast barbecue, that is. It needn’t be expensive – get your sponsors to pony up for it. After all, they’re the ones who really NEED you to be straight, aren’t they?
I mean, if you DID turn out to be gay – not that I’m suggesting you are – they’d then have no excuse not to put Matthew Mitcham on the books, would they? There’d be no excuse not to have a sexy wet gay boy in their lineup if it turned out one of their best ambassadors was one all along and nobody cared.
BTW where are these sponsors? I’d have thought they’d be out there trumpeting “we don’t care if he’s a quadrisexual Venusian escapee from a bad Torchwood episode, so long as he sells lots of cars/watches/weird Japanese soft drinks.” Instead, silence.
And your response to it all – well, I’m not actually your PR person (yet) but you couldn’t have done worse, really.
What you’re reported to have said is a) you’ve said before – you’re not gay, b) you’re upset that the current conjecture had hurt people around you and c) you draw the line when innuendo implicates people like your family and friends.
Well I understand that speculation about a son’s sexuality might upset a traditional Brazilian family, but in respect of a) above, the only way you can quash that once and for all is to do like Michael Klim, get married and produce a child no more than 9 months later; in respect of b) if you mean “Daniel’s upset that people might think he’s gay”, then why didn’t you say so – or more to the point, why didn’t he? You could have stayed out of it altogether.
Or you could have just laughed it off - you know, “Oh that old chestnut, haven’t you guys got anything better to write about? OK, just for you . . . it’s a swimming thing, I just love his clean entry and his stroke rate is phenomenal, specially in the backstroke, yeah, we did it in the back of the Audi with Daniel Kowalski once, he used my Omega for a cockring . . ha ha . . . now sod off you idiots, go bug Barnaby Joyce’s pet sheep or something.”
Instead you come out with all this stuff about how it doesn’t bother you, but your friend is all hurt. I mean, any closet queen is going to think they recognise that line. Rightly or wrongly, the picture is of Big Daddy defending his Boi. How sweet. How deadly.
Nope, your only hope now is for shots of you doing the do in the athletes village with a bevy of multinational female sports stars to suddenly surface on YouTube. I know a great video-maker who works really cheap, and there’s this porno body-double agency in LA, the only problem might be the feet, but we can CGI those. . . . . .
PS Swimmer Amanda Beard flatly denies relationship with Ian Thorpe Really Long Link - could she have a more appropriate name?
Not Ian Thorpe
Although he’s been out of the limelight for a while the world continues to be fascinated by Ian Thorpe’s sexuality – or so the tabloids tell us. Online feedback says different – “who cares” pretty well sums it up.
It will do Thorpe no good to get snippy about the attention – if you will occasionally fool around in campy fashions, share a house for three years with another bloke, take him home to meet the family and jet off on holiday with him, frolic in the surf - well, in these equal opportunity times, that’s almost as good as setting up a bridal registry at Rebel Sport and negotiating exclusive picture rights with Hello magazine. Especially when the other guy is such a cutie, and you’re making an early start on middle-aged spread.
I mean, at your age and condition, that’s the sort of thing most Aussie sporting identities do with a woman. Either that or cultivate a reputation as a serial shiela shagger, whether real or fake. There’s lots of publicity hungry ‘models’ out there who are be happy to be seen with a sportsman for a modest fee and a modelling contract. Some even get nice big rocks for their fingers into the bargain.
As your PR person, I suggest you rake up a few of these ‘ex-girlfriends’ and get them to sell their stories to the tabloids – unless they’re about you and Daniel at a spit-roast barbecue, that is. It needn’t be expensive – get your sponsors to pony up for it. After all, they’re the ones who really NEED you to be straight, aren’t they?
I mean, if you DID turn out to be gay – not that I’m suggesting you are – they’d then have no excuse not to put Matthew Mitcham on the books, would they? There’d be no excuse not to have a sexy wet gay boy in their lineup if it turned out one of their best ambassadors was one all along and nobody cared.
BTW where are these sponsors? I’d have thought they’d be out there trumpeting “we don’t care if he’s a quadrisexual Venusian escapee from a bad Torchwood episode, so long as he sells lots of cars/watches/weird Japanese soft drinks.” Instead, silence.
And your response to it all – well, I’m not actually your PR person (yet) but you couldn’t have done worse, really.
What you’re reported to have said is a) you’ve said before – you’re not gay, b) you’re upset that the current conjecture had hurt people around you and c) you draw the line when innuendo implicates people like your family and friends.
Well I understand that speculation about a son’s sexuality might upset a traditional Brazilian family, but in respect of a) above, the only way you can quash that once and for all is to do like Michael Klim, get married and produce a child no more than 9 months later; in respect of b) if you mean “Daniel’s upset that people might think he’s gay”, then why didn’t you say so – or more to the point, why didn’t he? You could have stayed out of it altogether.
Or you could have just laughed it off - you know, “Oh that old chestnut, haven’t you guys got anything better to write about? OK, just for you . . . it’s a swimming thing, I just love his clean entry and his stroke rate is phenomenal, specially in the backstroke, yeah, we did it in the back of the Audi with Daniel Kowalski once, he used my Omega for a cockring . . ha ha . . . now sod off you idiots, go bug Barnaby Joyce’s pet sheep or something.”
Instead you come out with all this stuff about how it doesn’t bother you, but your friend is all hurt. I mean, any closet queen is going to think they recognise that line. Rightly or wrongly, the picture is of Big Daddy defending his Boi. How sweet. How deadly.
Nope, your only hope now is for shots of you doing the do in the athletes village with a bevy of multinational female sports stars to suddenly surface on YouTube. I know a great video-maker who works really cheap, and there’s this porno body-double agency in LA, the only problem might be the feet, but we can CGI those. . . . . .
PS Swimmer Amanda Beard flatly denies relationship with Ian Thorpe Really Long Link - could she have a more appropriate name?
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