Doug PollardIt’s the Bible Family Channel
September 18th 2009 07:29
Nun finer
The Australian Christian Lobby thinks there’s too much sex on television. It wants good clean family television, and I couldn’t agree more. And what better source for great family stories than the Bible.
Let’s start the evening with ‘Would You Adam and Eve It?”, in which their sons and daughters all have sex with one another, filling the earth with their offspring. All good clean fun (apart from the occasional murder to relieve the boredom), not like the evil corrupting boy-meets-girl-and-gets -sand –in- her-crack filth they peddle on Home & Away.
And since God loves this kind of story, we can remake it again and again with different characters. Like the Noah family.
One of Noah’s sons, Ham, finds him drunk and naked, grabs his brothers and they proceed to make a Dad sandwich. This gives God an idea. He’s been getting pretty pissed off with all those strangers fornicating with one another instead of doing as they’re told and getting on their knees in front of Him.
“It was all so much simpler and easier when I just had the one incestuous family to work with,” he thinks. “This lot looks promising. I’ll finish everybody else off and start again.”
So He wipes them all out except “Lord was I drunk last night and it hasn’t half given me a sore bum” Noah and his panpolysexual sons and their wives. All aboard for the long running heart-warming series, “The Love Ark”, in which the family merrily impregnate one another while they wait for the waters go down. Like “Packed to the Rafters” – with added incest.
Next up there’s “Let’s Have Lot’s!” - remember Lot – you know, the one whose wife turns into a pillar of salt? Lord knows what she’d been drinking. Well God also wiped out everyone else in the vicinity - so Lot and his daughters regretfully had to do the do and re-establish the population. The daughters get Dad drunk, takes turns in his bed, and have Lot’s! You don’t get jokes like that on Ramsay Street!
Yes, folks, the Westboro Baptist Church has it right, God DOES Hate Fags – he’d rather they were shagging their sisters!
Of course, it’s not just incest in the Bible – there’s the woman who had sex with her father-in-law for a goat (the Bible doesn’t say what she did with the goat), and the King who sent a soldier off to war so he’d be killed and the King could grab his wife.
It’s not all rape either – there is fun sex like the Songs of Solomon, as lascivious as the Kama Sutra and a great basis for a mini-series, though I don’t know who would take the female lead now Joan Collins is past it.
I look forward to the episode where Solomon, played by Rupert Everett, “goes to the mountains of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense, till daybreak”. The Bold and the Beautiful couldn’t put it better.
And now I have to go and get my nightly dose of sex and violence. It’s time for Antiques Roadshow.
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